So as I sit and wait for the results of my LEEP procedure hoping and praying they got it all, I can’t help but wonder and speculate when and how I got HPV. If you read my posts at all you can see my boyfriend and I dabble in non monogamy so perhaps this HPV thing is not a big shock. Could have come from anyone right?
I have learned a fair bit during my fun times at the Colposcopy clinic especially about HPV. So many strains, about 40 of them and a handful are the risky types which can cause cancer in the cervix, throat, anal and mouth. But mostly cervical as I am learning. What we women get to deal with is hard to fathom and God was cruel to us.
As my luck would have it, I had one of the risky strains of course and where the fuck did I get it? You can’t help but ask yourself that. My girlfriend who has had probably over 60 sex partners doesn’t have it…yet, but it only takes one.
I remember thinking when I first got together with my boyfriend and learned of his nasty sexual past, I wondered if some day I would have abnormal pap’s and strangely, here we are. The first pap test that came back slightly off was in 2015 or early 2016. It was just some abnormal pap sample that was undefined and my doctor ordered a new one. That came back normal. Then almost 3 years later I go to a new doctor, another pap smear and here we are and I am angry. Angry at Tim.
So much of this non monogamy we do is for him. I know how he likes to have the freedom to fuck many women and to keep him happy and to further feed my insecurities, we opened it. Stupid I know. And I hate it. None of the men I have been with do anything for me, the sex is bad and detached. I do this for Tim because it turns him on to know I fuck other men. But I have only myself to blame as I keep doing this.
In early 2014, Tim had sex behind my back, with 2 different sex workers, one named Katrina and the other Jenny. This all came to light in 2014 after I snooped through his phone because he was behaving like an uninterested asshole. He told me he reached out to these women but never had sex, only spoke with them. Sure. I knew that was not true but took him at face value. Finally he admitted it to me, 6 years later, when we were really struggling. Frankly I don’t think those were the only 2 sex workers he has been with over our time together starting in 2010. He lies so much and anything could be true. Why I stay is for a whole different blog.
My gut tells me this is where my HPV journey started. I think I got it from Tim who passed it to me from one of those sex workers. Just seemed the timing of everything over the last few pap smears and how long it can take for HPV to rear its ugly head and make changes to cells. Could have it come from one of my other partners? Sure, but my intuition says otherwise.
Tim would never tell me if any other of his past partners had this problem. He knows the implication of that. Or maybe he knows nothing of their struggles like he knows nothing of mine. I haven’t told him and likely won’t unless something sinister happens and I have to. Meanwhile anyone he sleeps with could get this, namely Heather. Do I feel bad? Not really and I know I am evil and angry. Why should I be the only one to suffer for his indiscretions?
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